Parents Snooping On the Internet
Here's a question I received from a friend and my response. It's a huge issue and I'd love to get your perspective on this.Hey Mark,
Hope all is well. I know you are an extremely busy guy, but I was just curious to know what your thoughts were on about this "Tattletale" computer monitoring software for parents. I was at a "Baptist" Youth Ministry forum and they were really pushing this for parents, but I couldn't help but have some apprehensive concerns about it...
Thanks for you time!
G
G,
Ok here's my quick two cents.
1) I don't trust software to replace my involvement in the lives of my children. The internet is not going away, so as a parent I have to train up my kids to navigate this aspect of life.
2) The marketing for this software plays on fear .. fear which I don't think is justifiable. If I am actively involved in the computer usage of my children (the same way I am in their school work, friends etc) the internet is relatively safe.
3) That said, If I can't trust my kids on the internet or they have a history of bad behavior this tool might be of help, or a way in which a parent can give access while maintaining some control. The problem is this software promotes spying rather than filtering, see next point.
4) If I used software like this (which I can't imagine doing) I would let my kids know I was using it. I would never snoop on my kids without letting them know I may do that. Even though I may have the right to do so, and it may be in the best interest of my child, I would hope I have the relationship to ask the hard questions and get answers without snooping. I think kids grow spiritually when they are allowed some privacy, privacy with limits. I realize there ARE parents who don't have this relationship, and that alone should be a red flag that software like this is not really a tool, but a solution for a weak relationship.
5) Don't believe kids won't be able to get around this software. If your kids are misbehavin' they will get around this software. For some it could be a deterrent, but as a parent I wouldn't put alot of hope in this. I've talked to kids who have elaborate connections to people who know how to get around this stuff.
Bottom line: Why would someone buy this?
1. Fear.
2. Illusion of safety (without teaching safety)
3. Solution for an existing poor parent/child relationship.
I just can't imagine a need for this otherwise.
Okay internet family ... let me know what you think about my response!
Do you agree with my response or am I too trusting? What do you do in your family to keep you safe on the internet?
Mark
Posted by Mark M on at
10:39 AM
9 Comments:
Okay, I'll give this a shot. In the interest of disclosure, I don't know about Tattletale, but we use NetNanny.
I agree with the comment made about spying. I don't think that is a good idea. My kids know we use the program - most often because it lets them know certain things are blocked. I don't agree that the Internet is relatively safe. We use NetNanny because it helps to prevent unintended gargabe. My preference is that my 15 year old boy not be pummeled with hard core pornography from a "safe" url. And don't think this kind of thing doesn't happen! The pernicious nature of these adult sites preys on younger, curious viewers.
We do not trust the software to replace our involvement. We have set our computer in a common family room, we do not allow free and unrestricted access (nor do we allow that with the TV). No Internet in bedrooms, tons of family time and conversations, etc. It is a whole package deal. Do we fear what our kids see? No. Are we careful and use multiple methods to protect them? Absolutely.
Totally agree! I would have software like it on there but my kids would know about it and it would be to hold them as well as myself and my wife accountable. I have software on my own private computer that monitors things I shouldn't look at and if I do it is sent to my accountability partner.
Totally agree with the fear thing. We shouldn't rule over our kids with fear.
Thanks for the comments. To be clear. I am not against filtering, although I have yet to find a filter that is perfect, so parents still need to be involved.
Your "bottom line" with my alternative explanations:
Bottom line: Why would someone buy this?
1. Fear.
No. Love, caring, selfless (the expense of making such purchases, the time taken to manage their operation), forethoughtul, love. That is why parents who know that Verizon (can you say Akon? and if you can, would you send your 13-15 year old daughter to his concerts), AT&T, and other telecomm companies make big money by providing the tunnels through which pernicious targeted pornography is spilled out into the internet highways and byways. The LOVE motivation leads to such acts as the installation and maintenance of such programs.
2. Illusion of safety (without teaching safety).
No. More safety than without. The same illusion of safety that is given by seatbelts and airbags. Trust me, you don't want to look at the autopsy photos of individuals whose aortas were ripped when their chest compressed on their upper body restraint at high speeds. Still, for most folks and for most of the time, a seatbelt, like such programs, combined with an airbag, like parental involvement, will do alot of good.
3. Solution for an existing poor parent/child relationship.
No. A stratagem to protect a child from unwanted harms, and to help reduce injury to existing relationships that results when children are seduced by dark thoughts from pornography to cutting to drugs to suicide.
I use safe eyes, and all though not perfect, the closest thing I have found to it. As a pastor I have even told the church I use the software and have encouraged them too. I agree, be up front and honest about what your useing. Parents porn is destroying the church one family at a time, and I totally agree with Mark we are in a fear drivwn culture and the church is not to have a spirit of fear. The stats are unreal though and we must take action to protect our children, and ourselves.
Very interesting q&a. I guess I'll say the obvious. In my experience, parents who are worried about what their kids are using to the point where they will install spyware (literally!) to keep an eye on their family internet connection typically (generally, usually, can I use more terms to say that NOT IN EVERY CASE) already know they have a problem in the house. That problem could be with the parents or the kids. In my 10 years of ministry, and being a total web geek, I've worked with many families on this topic. Typically, the mom of the family will ask me to come over when no one else is around and almost always I find porn on both the kids and dad's computers.
My next comment is simpler. I've never met a student who wanted to look at porn that couldn't. I think it's far better to teach kids good internet skills than it is try to use a filter. The reality is that you'll spend money on something that they can disable fairly easily... they do it at school already!
What a great conversation! Several great things to ponder...
1. "Trust me, you don't want to look at the autopsy photos of individuals whose aortas were ripped when their chest compressed on their upper body restraint at high speeds."
I think this might fall under the very fear language we use to get what we want in our society. Look at the "economic crisis." The biggest problem is fear being put into people. Our economy and it's principles really aren't in crisis, but people think they are. The difference between saying people have "lost" $9 trillion and saying "the value has been depreciated" $9 trillion (the truth). Anyway...
When we are trying to accomplish good in our world, we are often presented with things that tap into our fear to sell us something. Do I really feel the need to capture keystrokes and passwords on my home computer?! As a parent, if I'm not developing a trust relationship with my children, then frankly I'm not adequately preparing their adult lives. I can't say I would ever recommend this type of action. Filtering, absolutely!!! Accountability is great. Harboring an environment without trust? I pray not.
2. I think Mark's main point about nothing ever replacing involvement is true. There is amazing software and games out there that teach my 4 year old lots of stuff. But does it really replace good time sitting down with flash cards or something? In a world that is moving towards anti-personal interaction (which is obvious for us youth workers) we should be determined to help families maintain those environment of good communication.
Do you really think you know everything your kids do online? It's not fear, it's knowing versus guessing. And, I'm sorry, but even the dimmest bulb on the tree can see that the Internet has afforded a level of non-security to everyone's lives that we have never had before. Times change, values change. You didn't want your kid picking on others, getting picked on or talking to strangers 20 years ago, why would you want it now? The only difference is that today these things can happen within your home. But you can help prevent it if you know what your kids are doing online. It’s not spying, it's knowing. And last I checked, not every tween or teen is a little angel.
If you believe the hype over the fear and over-hype, then you are gullible... if you let your kids roam freely on the internet, you're ignorant. You want to know why the current generation are mean, vicious little jerks with no respect for each other or adults (trust me, I know plenty of teachers that see it daily), it’s because somewhere along the way parents decided privacy was more important than parenting, and that gave way to a level of non-involvement that now has kids on top and parents clueless.
You don’t have to be an intrusive jerk or noseybody, but remember, every time something happens to a kid online, the parents say the same thing: “I had no clue this was happening…”
So how much do you know?
Monitoring software gives you the knowledge and ability to communicate (which is equally important). Don't knock it because you are afraid to know the truth. Seriously... A lot of parents need it more than they think.
This post inspired me to do some further research on Internet dangers. Because this subject is somewhat off topic for this blog (this is intended to primarily be for students) I decided to post the research on the youth specialties blog here: http://www.youthspecialties.com/blog/2008/sexual-predators/
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