Apple iPhone: Just the Beginning

Covetousness alert! As I type these words, iPhone mania is sweeping the globe. It’s a phone! It’s an iPod! It’s a web browser! It’s an e-mail client! That scary look you’ve seen in the eyes of your geek friends since yesterday afternoon accompanies the urgent mantra repeated over and over under their breath: “Must. Get. iPhone.” Too bad. Even those with the dough won’t be able to get their mits on one until sometime this spring. Someone is going to have a aneurism. Seriously.

As an old veteran of Apple goodies, let me offer two words of wisdom. First, It’s always wrong to support your tech habit by stealing from your mom’s purse, especially when you’re 30. (Don’t ask.) Two, if you’re one of the first to get an iPhone, you’ll only regret it six months later when Apple releases iPhone 2.0. According to a reliable source inside Apple, the NEXT iPhone will add even more features. Like what? Well, don’t tell anyone you heard it from me, but here’s what next year’s iPhone will do:

* Play movies in 3-D
* Scan for life signs
* Teleportation (two year Cingular contract required)
* Cure cancer
* Make a nice latté

Of course, by that time, we’ll all be paying our taxes directly to Steve Jobs. But is that such a bad thing? Until then, try not to think about the iPhone. It can’t possibly be as overwhelmingly cool as it looks. Right? (Please say “right.”)